Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
