I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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