so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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