i just wanna soil my oats bro
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
