please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
