I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
