I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
