Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
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It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
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took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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