Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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