At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
one might say we're banned from that church
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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