I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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