and you said cock pushups were impossible
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
