From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
