; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
