i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
