the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
