Pass out mid-funnel last night.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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