Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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