I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
