she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
