I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
