I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
