Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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