I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
