he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
