Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
