Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
