Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
