i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
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did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
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The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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