Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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