I am in a vortex of obligation.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I could fuck to npr.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
