Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
