Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
