I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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