Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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