he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
