I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
