I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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