Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
