I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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