The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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