When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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