he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
