So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
