I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's blow job season.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
