Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
