I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
