Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
The beer is more important than you right now.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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