did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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