flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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