i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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