omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
