Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
