I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
