I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
