He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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