Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
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I think I have vodka in my lungs
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
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Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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