I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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