So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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