I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
