I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
